NEW JOB!!!!!

Okay, so a good friend pointed out that I really haven't written anything about my summer, so here goes (and my family is sitting down to eat, so I'll expound more later):

I am interning with a local radio station in the downtown area. It's a rock/jam band station, catering to the musical needs of the "invisible generation" or Generation Jones (for those of you who are still confused, "generation Jones" is the wave of children brought up by the "baby-boomers"). It's fun; I'm learning so much about music and many things about live radio!!

My family is waiting for me, so I'll be back after dinner!

Weathering the Weekend

So I'm feeling poetic... I thought the title was pretty darn good!

Wow! What a weekend! We had both my little sister's graduation open house, and my little brother's birthday party--To think that I still remember my sister way back when we were skinny little girls who played 'dolls' with every movable object in sight...Well, it was weird to see her graduate. And then my brother! I feel so old when I think about his age! Can it really have been this long?

Time. What a marvelous enigma to the collective human intelligence. Time has always been an awe-inspiring mystery to me. I wonder at the circle, and how I stand on the shoulders of other's whose 'time' was before my own.

They say that 'Time heals all wounds', that 'Time flies' or that someone has 'Good timing'.

I can't wrap my mind around a force that has existed for a long time, but not forever. Consider: Time has an end. Everyone knows that. Therefore, I reason that it must also have had a beginning. What was there before Time?

So much, yet so little. Time continues to stretch, but what happens after we leave this earth? Our 'time' is over. It's so little.

I'm tempted to post Hamlet's 'To Be or Not To Be' speech here. Okay, click this link, why not?

It's not that I'm feeling morbidly depressed or anything, it's just that I'm...dumbfounded. Hamlet (although he is depressed) has somewhat of a point: Time. What happens after we have served our 'time' here?

I don't know what I think, so I'll definitely come back to this later... However, I digress. I intended to write this post about 'Weathering the Weekend', and how I've found the easiest way to get through an event or occurrence in which I'd rather not participate is to hunker down and just do it. It was like that for me this last weekend. Oh, I have nothing against helping out my siblings, it's just that, well, it was a big hassle to do both in the same weekend. A headache I could have done without. But then again, they've always helped at my 'social gatherings' and whatnot, so I did the best I could to make theirs enjoyable as well.

Hmmm...

I must away.

Good night!

Thought-isms

Let's be honest, you all knew this was coming somewhere. Just like those movies that you pick up from the library or the video store with the weird title that you watch so carefully until you find the title casually thrown out in the dialogue; or one of those books, where you spend half the chapters trying to figure out how it relates to the title at all... This is that post, where you will finally know what it's all about. This is that post, where I begin to make sense.

First things first, though: Happy June!!! My sister's open house for her high school graduation, and my brother's birthday party have coincided on the same weekend. Major headache to both, even though a congratulations are in order...

Also: This post is, in truth, late. I meant to post this yesterday, on the actual first day of June, so as to clarify my "hiding out for a month". I failed. Oh well.

With this in mind, I will now attempt to clarify my views on life, otherwise known as my "thought-isms" (come on, you have to admit that's a little creative...?):

GREEN:

Costa Rica is possibly the 'greenest' place I know. I'm sure it's due mostly to the overabundance of vegetation, the fact that land is spread out, and the 'cities' aren't as densely populated as they are in the States... When I returned here, I was utterly repulsed by eating seafood, pork, chicken... well, meat. As I've regained my bearings, if you will, I have discovered that I really do like salads better. More, that I can eat chicken if I have to, I can eat seafood if I have to, but I honestly would just like some veggies. This has come as a crippling shock to my parents, who can remember back to the time when I used to turn my nose up at simple peas. I still don't like green beans though. Weird.

Also, since being back, I have noticed the ingredients in foods and have started avoiding things with high fructose corn syrup (it gives me a stomachache anyway) and too many preservatives. I have also been trying (when I actually go to purchases) to buy things that were made from recycled materials, or things that were brought into the country by Fair Trade (not Free Trade).

STYLE:

I debated with myself (obviously) about putting in this category, but it seems appropriate, so now I'll explain. My style of dress before I went to Costa Rica normally revolved around jeans and collared shirts. My style of dress after coming back has consisted of hippie skirts, bracelets, glasses (I have very stylish frames, thanks to my Aunt Linda!), tank tops, sandals, and collared shirts. I've even gone through my dresser drawers and filled a large garbage bag with clothes that I no longer use or don't fit me. After the craziness of this coming weekend, I intend to wage the same judgment on my closet, and my two boxes of clothes in the basement. Having lived in almost utter simplicity in Nicaragua, and again in Panama, I really don't need the extra baggage. I took one suitcase on my trip, and one suitcase back. While away, I didn't even use all the clothes that I had brought. So, this tells me that I have been overly excessive in my life.

GOD:

This one was also a huge internal crisis for me. Long story short: God appears in many very unusual and mystifying ways. To define 'God' would be to put him in a box. And as a finite human, that is a very dumb thing to do, as it is obvious my tiny intellect cannot handle such a vast concept. Personally, I think that even if a person did not believe in an omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient being, they would come to believe in one just by being with the people I had the extreme privilege to meet. And not always because the people I met were "Christians", but because they were completely and totally human. This level of interaction, and the honesty (or faults, as it may have been at times) left no doubt in my mind that these people were creations of a God. My favorite prof at Spring Arbor would corroborate my revelation, telling me I was seeing the imago dei, or the image of God in every person I met.

ME:

I'm okay with me now. Of course, many things have happened in the last month to make me okay with me. I have a better grasp of my many attributes and talents, and a better grasp of my faults. They are now a work in progress. I have accepted myself with both my likes/dislikes, my strengths/weaknesses, and my past/present/future, and I fully intend to move forward on this knowledge and self-reflection.

These were my biggest issues. With the help of family and friends, I have put into practice a theory I learned in one of my COM classes: Cognitive Dissonance. It states that where practice and belief come in conflict, either the practice will be changed, or the belief will be changed. Thus I have undergone a sort of transformation.

Perhaps I will touch again on this topic later. But for now, this post is long enough!

More Reflections

Hello, friends and family!

I didn't realize how much of a following I had generated with my blogs until you all said something. Here I was thinking I was writing to a wall (what a concept, as my blog has 'posts'...), and all the time I was really reaching people. What an honor.

So, I'm still adjusting, whatever that means. And I'm trying not to scare my parents silly. Honestly. The unfortunate part is that it's becoming a full-time engagement.

Why is it that questions scare? Is it just that they face the unknown in asking, or is it more that the pressure is on to answer correctly? If I question the meaning of life, does that imply that I want to end my own, or can it be assumed that I'm purely curious?

I don't question everything, just somethings. I'm content with not knowing. There's a quote from John Stam on his second lecture to our class in Costa Rica that comes to my mind now:

   "Maturity is being able to live with varying degrees of security. Immaturity comes from wanting to be totally sure of everything."

Do I agree? Well, in some way, the man has a point. Besides, how will I ever know truth if I don't question what I hear? I said 'truth' with a lowercase 't' because I meant it as a 'relevant truth'. How will I ever know?

One of the things that I've struggled with the most (and seriously, friends, I will probably use this same term for about thirty other things I have struggled with) is the concept of right and wrong. I believe that there is a definite Right in some things, as well as there is a definite Wrong. However, there will also be cases where a rigid judgment will not suffice. Then, of course, as a young individual with a spirit, I want to find the Right because I believe it is a good, sturdy, and moral thing to do. So I study. What I find in my studies confuses me, so I will come to question both my studies, and my previously conceived notions. What I gain from this (besides Experience) is Knowledge. Allow me to expound on my views of Knowledge: Adam and Eve wanted Knowledge. What happened to them? They died.

So now, it begs the question: Is Knowledge good? Is Knowledge Right? If, as a Christian, I can believe the Bible when it said that Eve wanted to be like God, so she ate from the Tree, and gave some to Adam, causing them both to sin, it can be clearly implied that Knowledge is Wrong. However, especially in the New Testament, the entire purpose of Jesus' sermons was Understanding. Are the two different, or virtually the same?

On a random aside: This is why I love language. Words mean things. I want to mean something when I open my mouth, or when I put my pen to paper, or when I type out a post for my blog. If I did not change something by writing, I wouldn't do it. If I could not help direct another person's thoughts down a different path by opening my mouth, I wouldn't speak. I choose every word carefully, hoping that you, Dear Reader, will gain a better view of what my message is trying to convey.

These ARE really random.

Have a nice day!

Questions

Sigh.

The Questions have started.

"How are you adjusting back, Elise?"

"How was your experience, Elise?"

"What kinds of people did you meet, Elise?"

"Isn't poverty terrible? I'm sure you saw lots of that!"

What am I supposed to say??

"Adjusting is...difficult, because I'm struggling with the pro side to materialism..."

"My experience was life-changing because I learned how deeply I can love, and the chasm left by that love..."

"I met people in their own environments, in their own home, in their own culture, and surprise! They look like us..."

"I did not see poverty, however, I saw lots of people who were surviving, and people who chose their 'poverty' over something they felt was corrupt..."

I don't know if I'm ready yet, for these questions. Mainly because I feel my answers could be considered a 'burn', if you know what I mean, Dear Reader. And to be true, I've been asked the "How was your experience" question at least 5 times at church today, and every time, I came up with a different adjective. And, a different reason for that adjective.

In our "Re-Entry" workshops we did right before returning home, it was more or less decided as a group that we didn't want to shrink our experiences down to a word--what an insult that would be! And here I am, trying to find a sentence or two that conveys my extreme passion for the trip, outlines my experiences, and does justice to the people I met. Haven't come up with one yet, big surprise.

What's worse, every single time I see someone new who just discovered I was away for a semester (courtesy of my wonderful mother, who is just so excited that I'm back she wants to tell the world...) they ask the same questions. And every time they begin to ask, my stomach muscles actually tighten up with anxiety. I've never been prone to anxiety attacks in their formidable stages, but I really feel uncomfortable.

Regardless, I'm almost trying to make myself face people I know, because it isn't fair to them if I hide out for a month. But I'm trying to reveal myself one step at a time, and to specific people.

Hmmm.

Writing really does help; I feel much less conflicted in the mental area (although the emotional conflict continues to rage...).

I hope everyone has a wonderful night, and I promise, eventually I'll start writing happy again. Just, now, I need to analyze.

Good night! 

Back to Reality

Wow.

That's all I can say. Wow.

They warned us about "reverse culture shock". They even warned us that our newfound "truths" may scare our parents silly.

They forgot to mention, that my newfound "truths" would scare me silly.

What do I believe now? I'm still trying to figure it out. I have new views and old views on the poor, a blanket statement about economy, and I have inadvertently become very political. The thing is, I think I had many of the same views before; everything now is just an extension, or a detailed concentration of previous view holdings. Before, I was loathe to pick fights on everything I believed; now, I still don't like it, but I have a different view of silence that I didn't before. I'm not going to be dumb and pick fights with people on un-answerable topics, like politics, religion, and philosophy of life. I'm just not going to let others assume they can win me over. It really irks me when a person will throw out their viewpoint and then expect me to help them defend it solely because I may (or may not) support that view.

I'm a little hesitant about posting some of my beliefs here for two reasons: 1. because they are written, they can be taken out of context and used against me in ways I never meant them to be used (yeah, that hasn't happened before...). 2. This is the internet. I can only imagine what a future boss will think when he looks up my name and finds this blog. Also, no one asked. Even though this is my blog, I would rather write about readable things. Not topics that will cause a person to give an exasperated sigh before hitting the scroll button until the topic is finished.

Anyway, I digress: Now that I'm "home", I don't know how I fit in. My family is overjoyed to have me (they tell me so), but I don't feel like I belong completely. Remember in a previous post, I mentioned how I left a good half of me in Costa Rica? I feel that way especially now, now that I can no longer talk to my friends there face to face. I also happened to return as the rat race was starting the next heat--what am I going to do this summer?? Now I have to make plans to take classes, intern, get a job...the list goes on.

By the way, I hate taxes. They really ruin my happiness and sunshine.

I'll probably keep using this outlet to "process" as it was called by LASP.

Sigh.

I hate "To Do" lists, too.

Have a wonderful day! To all my English-speaking Tico friends, ¡Que Dios les bendiga!