Around the Bend

What can I say, my friends?

It has been so long since our last conversation. Why is it that whenever I draw close to people, I find their goodness for so short a time before we are rent apart again?

The missions trip to Louisiana was an experience, to say the least. I invested of my time in the other group members and in the members of the community we were serving. What a release, to serve others so selflessly.

I've heard tell of the 5 Love languages. It's an interesting concept, though I must say, after reading some of the material, I certainly would not have guessed that I express love in acts of kindness. It makes sense now I stop to think on it, but two weeks ago? I'm not sure.

Odd (isn't it?), that cleaning a church bathroom, or setting up chairs, or sorting donated clothes could be considered acts of love. Odd that sitting with young girls at a table for dinner and just having a conversation is an act of love. Or trying a little bit of every home-cooked dish, thinking "Vegetarianism be darned!"

I'm back at the Arbor now and am especially tuned in to how I perceive--and give--love. It's nearly the end of the year. Have I made lasting relationships? Have I treated people as though they are individual beings and not just bodies? If I am able to see to the depths of others, what good is it to waste on frivolous relationships? On the other hand, how can I commit to so large a crowd?

I have striven for love this year, especially after returning from Costa Rica. Have I showed others that love I've discovered? I think I have. Actually, I certainly think I've tried. Perhaps this is the depth of my heart: in having one conversation, I will love a friend.

We are all about to separate. Why are we allowed so few moments in which we can truly connect?

What can I say, my friends? I have spent the last few weeks catching up on homework and loving people. Shall I be faulted in that?

I shall try to write soon. Have a wonderful evening.

The Eye of the Storm

Hello, Dear Reader(s). I apologize for my silence; you wouldn't believe the enormous list of accomplishments I have effected within the last month and a half. Also, as I believe I've mentioned, I try not to bore you with redundant recaps of my day ("in a nutshell," as they say) or with general topics of life that have little or no bearing on my current state of thought. However, here I am, trying to get through a mammoth amount of homework, and of course, I couldn't concentrate. So, let's see:

Happy New Year's Eve!! I hope it was wonderful!

Happy New Year's Day!! I hope it was anticipated...

Happy Palindrome Day (Jan. 2, 2010)!!

Happy Math Addition Date (9 Jan. 10)!

Happy 1 year Anniversary of Costa Rica (13 Jan. 10)!

Happy February (1 February)!

Happy Groundhog Day!!

Happy Half-Birthday (2 Feb)!

Happy Math Addition Date (8 Feb. 10)!!

Happy Valentine's/Friendship Day!

There. I'm glad I got that off my chest!

I seem to be in the eye of the storm. I've had a whirlwind of activities before this week (the greatest of which caused it nearly impossible to complete my homework), and I'm just waiting for my life to be drowningly busy again. Sometimes, Dear Reader, I just can't figure myself out! Do I want peace and quiet? Do I want lots of free time? Do I want to be involved? Do I want to spend the majority of my time with others? Which is it?? I cannot attempt all these options at once...

Oh the Power of Choice! Blessed as I am with it, I am also able to abuse it to the fullest. It is devestatingly hard for me to say 'No' to a group or person. If I am outright asked to be a part of a group, I try to make up an excuse of how I really am too busy right now to join. I've been able to ward the vast majority off, but some groups are so persistent! It's such a blessing to have this free time now, but just as much a burden--there are tasks which require completion, and here I am, unable to concentrate and instead writing a blog. Motivation is not the obstacle; the obstacle is fatigue. I have been running on adrenaline of the next big event in my life, jumping from one lilypad of happenings to another. I have had very little respite since the beginning of January, and am still expected to make lightening fast turnarounds.

I should probably just take a nap. Clearly, I will be unable to function to my fullest capacity until I do so. However, I have such a laundry list of To Do items, I wonder that I'll get a nap at all today.

Sigh. The Eye of the Storm is an interesting place to be. You can see the flurry that you've come through, and you can see the flurry that's ahead. I guess all I can do is weather the storm...

A Year of Change

Dear Reader(s),

Another year has come and is leaving, as we watch the snow pile up on the sidewalk. I can truthfully say this has been the longest year of my existence; a year I will remember for life.

I have grown in more ways than one, and I hope you have too, Dear Reader. I have learned many timeless truths, and become more convinced of the Truth.

This is a question and commentary on my life (and possibly yours), so I am willing to speculate: what has had the most impact on my future life?

Before I went to Costa Rica, my posts revealed me for what I was truly feeling: panic, insufficiency, and a confusion of identity. I learned to love people through that experience of total surrender. I no longer allowed myself to be insecure; I just dealt with the problems and happenings as they came to me. I immersed myself in the culture with its people and tried to emulate the same reactions, emotions, and perspective they had already. I came to understand many of my "unanswered questions" I had grown up with: questions about etiquette, about responsibility, about my life. Going completely changed me.

When I returned to the country, my posts again showed me for what I was: confused and frustrated. I had never encountered an experience that left me speechless before, and thus I was frustrated at my inability to explain myself, both to people who were genuinely seeking an understanding, and those whose preconceived notions threw me off my guard. I fought for a truth I had never believed or stood for until this point, and lost many times, all the while knowing that my experience had taught me this truth beyond refute. Returning completely changed me as well.

I've taken classes, and I've learned and applied new concepts to my life. I've learned and applied new relational techniques to my connections with friends, family and roommates. I have sought out people to have conversations, and I have sought out enemies to make peace. I have actually tried to set aside my personal feelings and fear of pain in order to love others in a way I believe Christ has called me to love them.

I hope this can be my legacy, Dear Reader. I hope you can read this, and you can agree. I also hope that by writing this, you will look at your own life, and find what has shaped you too.

I wish you well, Dear Reader, as the back cover closes on this chapter of my life: A year of Change.

What to say?

No sé que decir.

I don't know what to say.

Is it better to speak without a voice, or remain tactfully silent?

Sería mejor? Would it be better?

Today I am tired, but able to switch languages without thinking. I, who am now fluent in two different languages can find nothing of importance to say. What good then, is my knowledge? If I cannot affect change, incite a revolution, persuade peers, or even defend my knowledge on the basis of reason within the confines of the two languages I possess, how will I ever find a voice to give a voice to others?

What makes a good leader?

Is it passion? Is it courage? Is it willingness? Is it servitude?

Of these qualities I possess ample supply. How then do I restrict myself from leading? I have things to say, people to lift up and encourage, peers to serve; what makes me hold back?

What to say?

What not to say?

Do I even want to lead?

No. I don't. I want to empower.

What to say?

I have nothing to say, and yet, everything in the world. It is important that I stress this.

I hope that I can use my my talents, my passions, my courage, my willingness, my service for others. To empower. To encourage.

Metamorphosis

Again, I ask you, Dear Reader: when is a "level" of maturity achieved? Is this even possible? To complete a "level" of maturity? As beings, is it not true that we constantly grow? How then is it conceivable to reach any "level" whatever it may be?

"Levels" have thus been devised my mankind to measure itself and the world it perceives. Disagree? How many things can you, Dear Reader, name with its stages? Even the alphabet is leveled; we have the first letter, and the last letter.

If it had been given a conscience, would a caterpillar know it was changing inside its cocoon? With out ever having seen itself before, would it know?

Like a fish has no notion of being wet, so a desert has no notion of being dry. And yet, a tadpole will know both worlds, seeing as it starts in water and ends on land.

Metamorphosis: a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.

I'm a very passive person--to a point. I would much rather mediate a conflict with peace and honesty than I would argue my views and insist on my accuracy of fact. That said, I will speak up when I know I am right. I try not to do this all the time; no one likes a know-it-all.

I will speak up, and I will (quietly) firmly hold to my position. I believe a conflict is never "won" by the loudest combatant, and so I will give my views, but then allow others to give theirs. I don't like arguing opinions.

There is a Right, and there is a Wrong. This is not my opinion, it is fact. Just as there is light and there is dark, so there is a Right and a Wrong. We may put different things under these headings, but they remain opposites.

If we believe that there is no such thing as Right and Wrong, we fall prey to the worst kind of laziness called un-accountability, which allows us to do everything we want, whenever we want, without regard to any type of moderation. Moderation is key: I love sugar. I love candy. If I were able to eat candy all day long, and as much of it as I wanted, would it make me a better being? No, but I would have some nasty cavities to fill. Too much of a Good thing is always Bad. Therefore, there must be a Right and a Wrong way to enjoy the Good things of life.

If everything is left to opinion, Dear Reader, we allow others to mistreat us, insisting that the actions are a result of "his opinion" or "his upbringing", when in reality, "his" actions are Wrong. The idea that any one "opinion" is not more important than others' allows us all to develop great capacity for apathy. What is the point of arguing if, according to opinions, we're both Right? That said, why should we allow ourselves to be doormats for the sake of a personal view of humanity?

If humanity is inherently good, why don't we always do Good? Why do we know there is a Right and a Wrong? What is it about human law that separates us from animals? We may have instincts, true, but we can also act against our "instincts". What then? Do we blame the society and environment? If we blame the surroundings for causing our choices, we are not helping the problem, but furthering it! If I do not have the Power of Choice, Dear Reader, I am not human, but an animal with nothing more than instincts it cannot disobey. Such a view surely does not encourage civility, but dehumanization.

If all the creatures of Earth have evolved, and the highest form of evolution is Man, and Man's thoughts are not nearly his own but a random collocation of atoms, what makes Man greater than Beasts? What allows Man to act against his "instinct"? And further, what claim has Man over any basis of Fact, Truth, or Authority? If he is merely random, could he not also have developed improperly? What merit has he to say that we all came from one simple life form and not from another? What gives him authority to talk on Right and Wrong? Nothing. His words are meaningless strings of phonetic sounds, intended for intelligence, but ending in stupidity.

I ask again: when is a level of maturity reached? When have we changed? Do we know when we're changing?

Like all beautiful butterflies, we must first change from worms.

Silence

Silence is hard. Sometimes, it's harder than speaking up.

Dear Reader,

Have you ever been a part of some sort of drama, theatre production, where (backstage) another performer has told a whispered joke, and instead of laughing in great guffaws, you must silence yourself to half-concealed sniggers, and choked gasps of air? Silence is hard.

Have you ever, Dear Reader, known that your suggestion was right, but were shut down by popular vote, and then been proven right through sheer circumstance, though you resolved not to push the issue? Silence is hard.

Have you ever walked into a room that stopped, mid-conversation, Dear Reader? Silence is hard.

Have you, Dear Reader, ever known another to be angry at you in silence? Silence is hard.

I try to encourage others to speak because it is a hard thing, to stand up for one's beliefs. However, it is even harder to endure the silence that follows.

How many things can be said in silence? How much more can be said in silence? What a power it is have a focused silence. Power enough to cause others to quake in their boots at a silence, or to impose the most uncomfortable restrictions lest one were to break the silence.

Silence is hard.

Why do we suffer in silence, Dear Reader? Don't we have friends to support us? Aren't we called to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn? What makes us think we should suffer, then, alone?

No. This is the wrong type of silence. We should not suffer aimlessly and without support to come out of such mourning. It is an injustice.

Are there others around you, Dear Reader, who are silent? Reach out to them. I implore you, as I will also try to do. Regardless of my suffering, should I not offer my listening ear to another who is possibly suffering in silence? Stand up for those who speak with silence.

Good night.