The coming hill

So...once again, I find myself slightly apprehensive... Of course, I know that I will probably be extra cautious at the airport because of my paranoia, and thus spare myself of any and all probable situations in which I could be harmed; I will most likely be especially observant of the schedules for the flights, as I am also terrified of missing my plane...

Sigh.

Dear Reader, could you find it in you to leave everything you have behind you except for your camera? ...And clothes, of course. This would be drastically easier if there were only someone to share it with--someone who was going the same place at the same time on the same plane. Then I would be able to hide my fear if only for this companion. Why is it that I can be brave for someone else, but not for myself?

I've noticed that this apprehension has leaked into other behaviors of mine; for example, I want desperately to be with people, and at the same time, I crave my solitude. The contradiction of it is...frustrating, to say the least. I don't know what I want anymore.

Please, do not misunderstand: I am beside myself with glee at the mere thought of spending time in another country to learn the language--it's what I've always dreamed of! It's just that, now the event is closer, I find it increasingly difficult to proceed with such nonchalance than I had earlier. Before, it was as though I were looking across an ocean to the opposite shore; now, it is as though the ocean has shrunk. I still have to cross the ocean, which is the challenge, but the opposite shore is close enough to scare me. What will I find?

I suppose that the decreased size of my ocean should be comforting: I don't have to go as great a distance. However, I understand why many of my peers told me how brave they think me. It is hard to leave a secure web with little less than a few scraps of net to fall back on. I think it must be harder to leave everything behind and start over again--thankfully, I'm not doing that.

Hmm... maybe this is my biggest issue, that I'm leaving my security behind me. I don't think I'm afraid of the new country itself, or even its people. I fear a lack of security.

Lots to think about, though.

Have a wonderful day, and keep safe!

Trial #4

What about this?

SCORE!!! Okay, sorry about the run about...I got it. It just took me a while to realize I was in the wrong setting, silly me...

We're good. 

Trial #3

Once again here is the link:

Hmmm, another copy and paste? Drat.

Trial #2

I don't know what that is, but maybe it will work too...

Photo experiment

I posted some pictures on my Picasa album, and I'm not exactly sure how to do this, but here's the link: http://picasaweb.google.com/sonshinemakesmehappy/HolidaysBeforeILeave?feat=directlink

Copy and paste, I guess. Hmm...there must be some way... I'll keep trying.

Less than a month

I can't believe it! In less than a month, I will be on my semester abroad! I'm so excited, I feel like a balloon filled with helium!

I haven't written in a while, and I figured now was as good as anything else. So I have a topic I'd like to put out there:

Courage.

What is courage, and where does it come from? Many of my friends from school and friends from home tell me what courage it must take to embark on such an unusual journey in my college years. I never know what to say in response--Honestly, what can I say? "Oh, yes, I frequently partake in activities or events that further strengthen my courage and bravery!!" Please.
And yet, what is said makes me feel stronger. I wonder whether that's just my ego talking, or if I am being "brave". So then, the question remains: What is courage, and where does it come from?

I am a Wizard of Oz fan. Ever since I was a child, I remember the cowardly Lion singing the "Courage" song before the group entered to see the Wizard. I never understood what he meant about the animals having the courage to make noise, be happy etc. but now I think I see it differently. If humans could be divided down to the simplest, most basic form, then (for the sake of argument) that would be the human essence. Secondly, if an individual recognized this essence as his most basic form, would it influence his ideas, his beliefs, his personality? Or would it be his ideas, beliefs, and personality? How many individuals follow themselves as humans? If in essence we were meant to be something far greater than what we allow ourselves to be, is it cowardice to be less? Perhaps it is this essence that is part of an individual's definition. Perhaps it is courage to be real.

If it is courageous to be free to express oneself as much as it is courageous to move to an entirely different area to learn a language, then this courage must not be a thing one is born with; it must be a conscious decision; the decision to be brave. I think back to September 11th. I'll never know if I would have had the bravery of the resistors of Flight 92. Did each participant say to himself, "I am a brave person, therefore I must act!" I'll never know. All I know is that each of them did act, and in the process saved so many more lives. I, on the other hand, am not a "brave" or "courageous" person at all. However, I know that this trip is essential to my fluency in Spanish, and that I will learn a lot more than just the language. Is that courageous, to pursue knowledge? Or is it that others, when placing themselves in my position, would be inclined to shrink from this challenge? Maybe it is that our challenges present us with the choice to be brave, or otherwise.

Regardless, I feel strengthened to think myself "brave". It rings in my ears and reminds me I'm not so destructible as I may believe. This is comforting. Perhaps this is where I will draw courage. I know God is always with me, and probably telling me I should give myself some credit...

Have a nice day!
I will write soon!