The coming hill

So...once again, I find myself slightly apprehensive... Of course, I know that I will probably be extra cautious at the airport because of my paranoia, and thus spare myself of any and all probable situations in which I could be harmed; I will most likely be especially observant of the schedules for the flights, as I am also terrified of missing my plane...

Sigh.

Dear Reader, could you find it in you to leave everything you have behind you except for your camera? ...And clothes, of course. This would be drastically easier if there were only someone to share it with--someone who was going the same place at the same time on the same plane. Then I would be able to hide my fear if only for this companion. Why is it that I can be brave for someone else, but not for myself?

I've noticed that this apprehension has leaked into other behaviors of mine; for example, I want desperately to be with people, and at the same time, I crave my solitude. The contradiction of it is...frustrating, to say the least. I don't know what I want anymore.

Please, do not misunderstand: I am beside myself with glee at the mere thought of spending time in another country to learn the language--it's what I've always dreamed of! It's just that, now the event is closer, I find it increasingly difficult to proceed with such nonchalance than I had earlier. Before, it was as though I were looking across an ocean to the opposite shore; now, it is as though the ocean has shrunk. I still have to cross the ocean, which is the challenge, but the opposite shore is close enough to scare me. What will I find?

I suppose that the decreased size of my ocean should be comforting: I don't have to go as great a distance. However, I understand why many of my peers told me how brave they think me. It is hard to leave a secure web with little less than a few scraps of net to fall back on. I think it must be harder to leave everything behind and start over again--thankfully, I'm not doing that.

Hmm... maybe this is my biggest issue, that I'm leaving my security behind me. I don't think I'm afraid of the new country itself, or even its people. I fear a lack of security.

Lots to think about, though.

Have a wonderful day, and keep safe!