Going solo

Here I am again, writing to you when I really should be packing...

I want to buy a small copy of the American Constitution so I have my Rights on hand, although why I would need them desperately, I'm not sure...I feel it is best to be prepared. I actually made two separate lists for packing: one lists everything I want to take with me, and the other lists where I'm going to pack it. Maybe I'm micro-managing. Probably. Sigh.

I've had the same recurring image in my dreams for the last three days. It happens differently every time, but the gist is the same: I'm almost ready to go, but I walk into my room at home, and it's all filled with boxes and crates. There's a pile to left that goes in my suitcase, and the pile to the right that goes in my carry-on, but nothing fits. I'm such a light packer, that it frustrates me--I'm only trying to take the essentials, but I seem to need everything in the piles, and I can't narrow it down at all...Then the dream will change into something else before going back to the theme. From my humbly unprofessional deduction of dreams, I would hazard a guess that I'm really stressed about this. Really.

Of course, I technically know me better than others, but if that's true, then as an individual who hides unhappy emotions, it follows that I hide my stress not only from others, but from me. Was that a run-on sentence, or what? So sorry. I took higher English classes than the language I appear to be using...

Well, I guess I'm writing now out of pure nerves: I'm absolutely terrified of crossing the country on my own. I don't think my family (and others) actually understand or appreciate this. It doesn't placate me to say that I'll be fine; it doesn't reassure me to tell me how others have made it through the checkpoints. It is others who have made it, not I. I just have to do it. Perhaps it's better to let me blow things out of proportion. There are two very good reasons to do this:

One, I will be very observant of my surroundings and pay very close attention to details. This will help if, God forbid, I am abducted, etc. It will also help because I will give authorities no reason to put me into custody (not that I think they would anyway, I'm just making sure).

Two, if and when my fears prove superfluous I will be very pleasantly surprised. That's a good thing.

Just a thought: I think I want to revise a post I published earlier this month, the one where I think I'm nervous because I am leaving my net of security behind me. I agree to a point (can a person disagree with himself?): I follow rules very meticulously. However, I don't know the best list of things to do, or things not to do. In short, I have no boundaries for this trip in which I can comfortably operate. That's why my security is staying in my hometown: I don't know how to operate outside of it. It is not in my repertoire to travel great distances by myself, therefore, I have no set rules to keep me safe (excluding, of course, common sense), or to tell me how to act or what to say, or even when to say it. I'm going solo.

I leave Tuesday from the airport at 5:50 a.m.

Have a wonderful day, and keep safe!