More Reflections

Hello, friends and family!

I didn't realize how much of a following I had generated with my blogs until you all said something. Here I was thinking I was writing to a wall (what a concept, as my blog has 'posts'...), and all the time I was really reaching people. What an honor.

So, I'm still adjusting, whatever that means. And I'm trying not to scare my parents silly. Honestly. The unfortunate part is that it's becoming a full-time engagement.

Why is it that questions scare? Is it just that they face the unknown in asking, or is it more that the pressure is on to answer correctly? If I question the meaning of life, does that imply that I want to end my own, or can it be assumed that I'm purely curious?

I don't question everything, just somethings. I'm content with not knowing. There's a quote from John Stam on his second lecture to our class in Costa Rica that comes to my mind now:

   "Maturity is being able to live with varying degrees of security. Immaturity comes from wanting to be totally sure of everything."

Do I agree? Well, in some way, the man has a point. Besides, how will I ever know truth if I don't question what I hear? I said 'truth' with a lowercase 't' because I meant it as a 'relevant truth'. How will I ever know?

One of the things that I've struggled with the most (and seriously, friends, I will probably use this same term for about thirty other things I have struggled with) is the concept of right and wrong. I believe that there is a definite Right in some things, as well as there is a definite Wrong. However, there will also be cases where a rigid judgment will not suffice. Then, of course, as a young individual with a spirit, I want to find the Right because I believe it is a good, sturdy, and moral thing to do. So I study. What I find in my studies confuses me, so I will come to question both my studies, and my previously conceived notions. What I gain from this (besides Experience) is Knowledge. Allow me to expound on my views of Knowledge: Adam and Eve wanted Knowledge. What happened to them? They died.

So now, it begs the question: Is Knowledge good? Is Knowledge Right? If, as a Christian, I can believe the Bible when it said that Eve wanted to be like God, so she ate from the Tree, and gave some to Adam, causing them both to sin, it can be clearly implied that Knowledge is Wrong. However, especially in the New Testament, the entire purpose of Jesus' sermons was Understanding. Are the two different, or virtually the same?

On a random aside: This is why I love language. Words mean things. I want to mean something when I open my mouth, or when I put my pen to paper, or when I type out a post for my blog. If I did not change something by writing, I wouldn't do it. If I could not help direct another person's thoughts down a different path by opening my mouth, I wouldn't speak. I choose every word carefully, hoping that you, Dear Reader, will gain a better view of what my message is trying to convey.

These ARE really random.

Have a nice day!

Questions

Sigh.

The Questions have started.

"How are you adjusting back, Elise?"

"How was your experience, Elise?"

"What kinds of people did you meet, Elise?"

"Isn't poverty terrible? I'm sure you saw lots of that!"

What am I supposed to say??

"Adjusting is...difficult, because I'm struggling with the pro side to materialism..."

"My experience was life-changing because I learned how deeply I can love, and the chasm left by that love..."

"I met people in their own environments, in their own home, in their own culture, and surprise! They look like us..."

"I did not see poverty, however, I saw lots of people who were surviving, and people who chose their 'poverty' over something they felt was corrupt..."

I don't know if I'm ready yet, for these questions. Mainly because I feel my answers could be considered a 'burn', if you know what I mean, Dear Reader. And to be true, I've been asked the "How was your experience" question at least 5 times at church today, and every time, I came up with a different adjective. And, a different reason for that adjective.

In our "Re-Entry" workshops we did right before returning home, it was more or less decided as a group that we didn't want to shrink our experiences down to a word--what an insult that would be! And here I am, trying to find a sentence or two that conveys my extreme passion for the trip, outlines my experiences, and does justice to the people I met. Haven't come up with one yet, big surprise.

What's worse, every single time I see someone new who just discovered I was away for a semester (courtesy of my wonderful mother, who is just so excited that I'm back she wants to tell the world...) they ask the same questions. And every time they begin to ask, my stomach muscles actually tighten up with anxiety. I've never been prone to anxiety attacks in their formidable stages, but I really feel uncomfortable.

Regardless, I'm almost trying to make myself face people I know, because it isn't fair to them if I hide out for a month. But I'm trying to reveal myself one step at a time, and to specific people.

Hmmm.

Writing really does help; I feel much less conflicted in the mental area (although the emotional conflict continues to rage...).

I hope everyone has a wonderful night, and I promise, eventually I'll start writing happy again. Just, now, I need to analyze.

Good night! 

Back to Reality

Wow.

That's all I can say. Wow.

They warned us about "reverse culture shock". They even warned us that our newfound "truths" may scare our parents silly.

They forgot to mention, that my newfound "truths" would scare me silly.

What do I believe now? I'm still trying to figure it out. I have new views and old views on the poor, a blanket statement about economy, and I have inadvertently become very political. The thing is, I think I had many of the same views before; everything now is just an extension, or a detailed concentration of previous view holdings. Before, I was loathe to pick fights on everything I believed; now, I still don't like it, but I have a different view of silence that I didn't before. I'm not going to be dumb and pick fights with people on un-answerable topics, like politics, religion, and philosophy of life. I'm just not going to let others assume they can win me over. It really irks me when a person will throw out their viewpoint and then expect me to help them defend it solely because I may (or may not) support that view.

I'm a little hesitant about posting some of my beliefs here for two reasons: 1. because they are written, they can be taken out of context and used against me in ways I never meant them to be used (yeah, that hasn't happened before...). 2. This is the internet. I can only imagine what a future boss will think when he looks up my name and finds this blog. Also, no one asked. Even though this is my blog, I would rather write about readable things. Not topics that will cause a person to give an exasperated sigh before hitting the scroll button until the topic is finished.

Anyway, I digress: Now that I'm "home", I don't know how I fit in. My family is overjoyed to have me (they tell me so), but I don't feel like I belong completely. Remember in a previous post, I mentioned how I left a good half of me in Costa Rica? I feel that way especially now, now that I can no longer talk to my friends there face to face. I also happened to return as the rat race was starting the next heat--what am I going to do this summer?? Now I have to make plans to take classes, intern, get a job...the list goes on.

By the way, I hate taxes. They really ruin my happiness and sunshine.

I'll probably keep using this outlet to "process" as it was called by LASP.

Sigh.

I hate "To Do" lists, too.

Have a wonderful day! To all my English-speaking Tico friends, ¡Que Dios les bendiga!